


Hurts Instead

by merentha13



Category: The Professionals
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-01
Updated: 2011-11-01
Packaged: 2017-10-25 15:06:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/271646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merentha13/pseuds/merentha13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bodie left, but now he's back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hurts Instead

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Adele’s song “Someone Like You”

_I heard that you settled down, that you found a girl and you're married now.  
I heard that your dreams came true.  
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you.  
Old friend, why are you so shy?  
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light.  
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited, but I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.  
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over.  
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead._  
-Someone Like You - Adele

  
The get-up on the girl in front of him on the escalator brought home to Bodie just how long he’d been gone. He smiled to himself, taking in the atmosphere that was Heathrow. Five years. It surprised him how much had changed. He’d been driven from his home several times over the course of his life, but he always welcomed the feeling that coming back to England brought him. He feared the reality of this particular homecoming might not live up to his hopes.

And if it didn’t, he had no one to blame but himself. He was the one who had left, had abandoned his partner while Ray was unconscious in hospital. He was the one who had run from the feelings he had developed for the scruffy, indomitable, principled man that had taken his heart. He had run because he was afraid. He could admit that now. He’d feared the love that Ray had confessed. Men did not _love_. They could fuck, maybe feel affection, be protective, but love, that never entered into it, at least not in his experience. So he had withdrawn a bit from Ray, ignoring the confusion and pain in Ray’s eyes. He’d made a point to spend less time with Ray and to talk up his exploits with his birds. Ray never let it interfere with their work; he was a professional all the way. But Bodie knew that his retreat was eating Ray up inside.

And then Ray had been injured. It should have been him. They had been on the roof of the car park, the villains trapped. As he and Ray had closed in to take prisoner’s, a third man popped out from behind a van. The gunman had Bodie dead in his site. Ray tried to fire his gun, but he had a stoppage. Ray had then charged the man, yelling as he ran full force into the surprised thug. The bullet had gone wide of Bodie’s head, but Ray’s momentum had carried both the thug and himself over the edge of the roof.

Bodie shrugged off the memory. Ray had survived. Bodie had left. He was back now to try to lay the ghosts of their past to rest. If Ray would allow it.

  
The Red Lion was filled with CI5’s finest. Ray felt an uneasy fear, but he couldn’t put a finger on why. Charlie had insisted that Ray join the gang after work for a pint. The operation to take down a major drug distributor had successfully completed and the agents were keen to celebrate. Not being in the field any longer, Ray usually shied away from these gatherings. But Charlie had insisted; Ray had run this op and he should share in the festivities.

So he found himself sitting alone at a table in the back of the pub. Agents had come by to congratulate him on wrapping up his first solo op as the Controller’s second in command. He graciously accepted their praise, returning the favour, but he hadn’t invited any of them to join him. Not that they had expected him to. They knew, and respected, that Doyle was a loner; he had been since the injury that cost him the use of his right arm. The injury hadn’t extinguished his dedication to the job; it has just changed the focus. He worked side-by-side now with Cowley and his field experience had proven very valuable to the set up and execution of many dangerous operations. His injury hadn’t diminished his place in CI5.

A loud roar echoed from the front of the pub. _This was a mistake,_ Ray thought to himself as he saw the tall dark haired man enter the pub. A knot of the fear he’d felt earlier settled in his gut.

Bodie hadn’t changed much in the five years since he’d last seen him; he was still beautiful. There was no grey in the dark hair, worn a little longer now. He looked a bit slimmer, but still moved with the menacing grace of a panther. The laugh that boomed across the room when Anson stood to greet him sent a shiver down Ray’s spine. That hadn’t changed either, the laugh nor the shiver it caused. _definitely a mistake_

He watched, paralyzed, as Charlie walked Bodie to his table.

“Isn’t this great, Ray! I caught Bodie here coming out of Cowley’s office and told him to come on over.” Charlie’s eyes sparkled with laughter. “We’ve got the old gang together, all right!”

“Hello, Ray.” Bodie nodded at Charlie and the other man slipped off into the crowd. “Mind if I join you?”

“I’d look boorish if I refused you.” Ray’s tone was short, but he nodded towards the chair across from him and Bodie dropped into it.

They sat in an uncomfortable silence and Ray ached for what had been lost. One of the best things about their partnership was that they had been able to sit together easily without the need to talk.

“Ray I…”

“Bodie…” They both interrupted the silence at the same time. Ray sat back.

Bodie spoke, “How have you been, Ray?” Ray watched Bodie cringe as he realized the inanity of the question. He decided to ignore the absurdity of the situation and answered Bodie’s question.

“I’m getting by. I was told I had you to thank for this.” He indicated his right arm. The fall from the roof of the car park had shattered the bones in his wrist and lower arm. Unconscious, he had been unaware of the fight Bodie had put up to keep the doctors from amputating it. As Ray had no family to speak of, Bodie had admitted to being Ray’s lover and refused to sign the paperwork that would have authorized the surgery. Cowley had eventually backed Bodie’s choice and Ray had kept his arm. It had never healed enough for him to get back into the field, but he was grateful for Bodie’s intervention.

They sat looking at each other. Ray finally broke.

“Why did you leave, Bodie?”

Bodie took a deep breath and looked away.

“The real reason, Bodie.” Even he could hear the misery in his own voice.

“After you were injured…” Bodie slapped his hands down hard on the table. “Damn Ray! I couldn’t go through it again.” He looked surprised to find himself shouting.

“I woke up alone, Bodie,” anger radiated from Ray’s still form. “Do you have any idea how that felt?”

There was no answer, so Ray continued; feelings long suppressed erupting into hot, hard words.

“I’d lost the use of my right hand, my job, and…” He looked down at his lap. “…and you.” He breathed in a heavy sigh. “All in one quick fall from that bloody roof.” He wiped at his eyes before they betrayed him. “Why, Bodie?” His voice dropped to a whisper. “You hurt me so fucking much…”

Bodie reached out and covered the trembling hands on the table with his own.

“I saw the whole Mayli scenario all over again, Ray. You were lying there in a coma; they didn’t hold out much hope for your recovery. I think that’s why they didn’t fight me too hard on your arm. I couldn’t watch you die. I wasn’t strong enough to go through that all a second time. I had to get out. I never intended to stay away for long. I went to Germany and met up with some former mercenary mates. They were running a rescue mission in Iran; some foreign students had got in over their heads and had been imprisoned. One was the son of a friend. The money was good, the cause seemed just, and I knew I couldn’t sit in the hospital and watch you slowly slide away from me.”

Silence greeted his words.

“You were in a coma, Ray! There wasn’t much hope.”

“It’s been five years, Bodie. Charlie told me you knew I’d recovered.”

“The rescue mission was a success. It led to other, similar jobs. I was doing good things, Ray. I’d become instrumental to the rescue organization. I couldn’t leave… I didn’t want to leave.”

Ray flinched at the confession.

“’m sorry, Ray.” Bodie squeezed the hand still wrapped in his.

“Charlie did tell me that you were doing alright, that the Cow had made you his ‘right-hand’ man…”

Despite himself, Ray’s lips twitched at the colour that rose in Bodie’s cheeks as the man realized what he had said.

“Sorry.” Bodie didn’t try to hide his embarrassment. Ray waved it off.

“So much time had passed. Charlie told me you’d married your physio… I didn’t think you’d want to see me again.”

“You were wrong.” The simple honesty of the response, the sincerity in his voice was almost Bodie’s undoing. Ray watched him close his eyes, but not before a single tear escaped.

“I am sorry, Ray. I never meant to hurt you, but I knew I had. And I was afraid, afraid to come back and face rejection. You had moved on, found someone else. So I stayed away.”

Ray was silent for a long while. At last he asked the question Bodie had been waiting for.

“Why are you here… now. What is it you want?”

Ray watched Bodie pull himself together. The answer Bodie provided did not really surprise him.

“What I want is simple. I want you to forgive me. I want you.”

  
It was going as badly as Bodie had feared. He didn’t know why he’d thought he’d had a ghost of a chance of winning this stubborn, moralistic, reticent, yet beloved, man’s forgiveness. He had abandoned Ray and he knew how much that betrayal tore at the warily given trust and fiercely guarded heart of his ex-partner.

He took a breath and started to rise. He’d said what he came to say. Ray’s silence was eloquent.

“I’m sorry. I know it doesn’t help, doesn’t make up for any of it, but I am sorry.” There was still no response from Ray. He pushed his chair back under the table and turned to go.

“She left me…” the words were sharp, cutting the air between them as deeply as their truth sliced into the man saying them.

Bodie drew in a breath to speak, although he didn’t know what he could say. The urge to help, to comfort this man was instinctive, and the years and miles between them had not diminished that need.

But Ray’s words kept coming now, like Ray had to get them out or they’d choke him. “About a year ago, she took Andrew and left…went to the states.”

“Andrew?” Bodies’ voice cracked as the word forced its way out.

“My son. He’s four now, a right little terror.” The hint of a smile briefly passed across Ray’s lips, quickly suppressed. “He’s why we married. I don’t think Jackie and I really loved each other… not enough anyway, but I wasn’t going to hand my son the same life I had. He was going to know that his father loved him, wanted him…” The voice faded into a whisper but Bodie heard the words …”not that that matters now…”

Ray looked up at Bodie.

“She said I didn’t let her in, didn’t let her get close to me. She couldn’t break through the walls I’d built around myself. I tried, Bodie. I wanted the marriage to work, wanted a normal life, I wanted someone to come home to. But I think she figured out that my heart belonged to someone else, someone I couldn’t forget. She told me she wasn’t willing to share me with a ghost. She knew I’d healed on the outside, but inside I was still bleeding. So she left.”

Bodie, stunned, pulled the chair back out and sat down heavily.

“Are you saying…?”

“I guess I am.” Ray smiled sadly. “God help me.” The smile faded. “But it’s going to be different this time. I’ve changed. There’s no going back to who I was. You have to realize that before… before we can start again.”

“I know.” It pained him to see Ray so vulnerable, so unsure. The cocky, arrogant whirlwind that had been his partner had been replaced by this quietly sad man. He promised himself that he would do all he could to bring even a small piece of his golly back to life, no matter how long it took.

“Why, Ray? Why are you giving me this chance?”

Wide green eyes hid nothing. “Everyone I’ve ever loved has left me. You’re the only one who came back."

“ I’m here to stay this time.”

Bodie watched the ghosts of doubt flicker briefly in those eyes.

“Don’t make promises, Bodie. I can’t… I don’t believe in them anymore. Too many have been broken. The words have lost their meaning.”

Bodie raised Ray’s hands to his lips and gently kissed the cold fingers. He watched as the tension left Ray’s face and Ray's eyes closed in surrender. He’d been given a second chance and he vowed silently that he’s do all in his power to keep this man from ever being hurt again.

And then Bodie realized, finally, why Ray was afraid. Ray feared his feelings. He feared love. Ray was an idealist, and to him, love was supposed to bring warmth and peace and a safe shelter from the world, but he had learned, the hard way, that sometimes it hurt instead.

 

 _Nothing compares  
No worries or cares  
Regrets and mistakes  
They are memories made.  
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?_


End file.
